Healthy Marriage Movie Guide-- MARLEY & ME

Date night! Sometimes it is just tough to get out and do something. Time to cozy up and watch Marley & Me together. Use these questions to spark great conversation that can lead to better connection and the spark you need to re-implement good practices into your marriage.

New Love

è Scene 1: After marrying, John and Jenny moved to Florida. They are very lovey as they pursue their careers. “Who are you?  You are John Freakin’ Grogan, who is about to get a job…” In what ways can you keep the love alive in your marriage?

è How can you keep friendship in your marriage, even when struggles come?

è Scene 31: When burying Marley, Jenny puts her “start of the family” necklace that Marley once ate. She expresses publicly (in front of the children) that the family had already begun, when she got the necklace (Marley was part of the family). What are some of your favorite memories from the beginning of your relationship/marriage? How can you make your spouse feel rare and special…and extraordinary?

Repair Attempts

è Jenny is upset about taking Marley out and having him pull her like crazy. John responds that maybe they should take him to a farm, which is what you do with bad dogs. She says, no you train them. John’s response to Jenny’s frustration could have been less concerned which can take away from the bonding they were able to experience. Instead, he joked to lighten the mood. How can you work to respond better to each other when having a challenging time?

è Scene 12: John comes home and starts to tell Jenny that maybe they should stop trying to get pregnant. She stops him and says, “John, I’m pregnant”. He asks for a restart to the conversation and they begin again with the line, “I’m pregnant!” How have you tried to repair a conversation or situation gone wrong? How can you better allow the repair attempts to work? (Jenny went along with it, though she did ask him afterwards about what he was talking about when he first came in—all fine.)

Time Frame

è  John and Jenny were married about 4 years before they were both ready to start having children. What is the best timing to have children in your marriage?

è What are good reasons to put off having kids?

è Scene 19: Jenny is pregnant. John was hoping to move the family to a safer neighborhood. This all leads to many changes of figuring out how to make everything work with finances, etc. How do you roll with things that are unexpected or not in line with what you have planned?

Work

è Jenny keeps a book of all of John’s pieces throughout the years. Is it important to know what is going on at your spouse’s work?

è How can you best support each other in the things you are pursuing outside the home?

è Scene 19: Jenny decides she wants to quit her job and be a stay at home mom. Would you support your spouse in their big decisions pertaining to work/money? Having a stay at home parent can be very difficult when compared to two income households. What are the benefits and the difficulties?

Compliments

è In scene 2 when John is in his interview he states, “I never thought I’d get a girl like Jenny… to marry me, but I did” How important are compliments about our spouse, even not in their presence?

è Scene 5:  As Jenny is leaving at the airport, John adds before hopping in the car, “I love you, you look pretty”. Do compliments like this matter? How can you compliment each other more?

Surprises

è John surprises Jenny with a puppy for her birthday. She states that they hadn’t talked about it. What kind of surprises are ok in a marriage?

è What concerns in the relationship should be considered when contemplating surprising each other?

è Jenny throws a surprise party for John’s 40^th. Some people like this kind of thing, while others don’t. Do you know if this is something that your spouse would like? Do some people like surprises like this, but are not vocal about it?

Emotional Strains

è Scene 6: John and Jenny are both busy with work, but Marley is a source of joint focus for them. He adds dimension to their relationship that could become very mundane. What could you as a couple get involved in or have as a bonding agent in your relationship?

è Scene 15: The dog sitter comes, and John and Jenny are thrilled to get out and be able to leave the city and explore Ireland together. It was great for them to break out of the routine and be able to relax after the loss they experienced. Would you be willing to go on an adventure with your spouse? Where could you go? In what other ways could you unwind together?

Loss

è Scene 14: They go through a miscarriage. There are huge trials like this that come up in marriage. It can bring us closer together if we allow it. What do you think would be the way you would want your spouse to respond to you in this sort of situation? Have you gone through something like this? Seeing your spouse in a very vulnerable state is an opportunity for deeper connection. It is important to allow each other space, but to also break through the barriers that we sometimes build and to talk about our pains, fears, and worries.

è Scene 29: John has Marley at the Vet’s office and calls Jenny; they know they need to put him down. John, Jenny, and Marley have been through a lot together. Not too many words are exchanged, but Jenny says, “I love you John”.  At times where we don’t know what exactly to say, nothing is really going to make the situation better or easier, expressions of love are our strongest ally. When has your spouse’s expression of love helped you during a hard time, such as a loss?

The Grass is Greener Mentality

è When talking with Sebastian, John states that he is “actually in a relationship with someone I love, and I care about what she wants”.  Sebastian is a forever bachelor and his lifestyle sometimes looks appealing. Scene 27: Later in the movie John runs into Sebastian and you can see the contrast of their lives. John with a happy family, enjoying those things, while Sebastian is still taking jobs wherever he pleases and hitting on women on the street. What can you do in your relationship that will help you to be joyful with your life and relationship? Do you think John longed for what Sebastian was doing still, or was more contented with who he is and what he has done?

è Scene 26: “It’s just exhausting sometimes. You always wanting something that you don’t have”. Jenny is listening to John express his frustrations with work and missing what he was doing back in Florida. He asks if she is happy with where they are in life, because it wasn’t part of the “plan” she had. “…It’s so much better.” Have you had conversations like this? What are things in your life that you are so grateful for that you weren’t expecting or seeking for a few years previous? 

Humor

è Scene 12: Jenny has her life planned out in steps and they discuss what is next, which is having a baby. They come to this the conclusion that they are ready—talking in metaphor. What is the best way to have these types of conversations? They joked through the entire discussion.

è Yes, this is a movie, but John and Jenny’s marriage seems to be chalked full of humor and light-heartedness (in the right places). How can you be easier going with each other?

Time/Aging

è Scene 11: John is documenting things that are happening, through his column and he states that he and Jenny found their first gray hairs. As you grow old together, in what ways can you document the passing time and be able to remember the things that you have seen and accomplished together?

è Scene 25: John and Jenny go skinny-dipping in their pool at night. “See, we’re not old”. How can you keep the spark and excitement alive in your marriage? Intimacy is an important part of marriage.

Self-esteem

è Scene 27: Jenny is talking about looking at the old columns from John. She reads them when things are chaotic, and she is feeling worn out. She said it is a little piece of him and she feels better when she reads them. “you should read them, they’re pretty great. Might even make a nice book”. What ways can we brighten our spouses day? In marriage we are given the opportunity to be a source of peace and foundation for one another. In what simple ways can we reach out to each other and build each other among the business of our lives?

Gifts

è Scene 13: “Oh John! It’s just beautiful!” Jenny receives a necklace symbolizing the start of their family. In what ways have gifts played a role in your marriage. Gifts can stand for things within our marriage, as this one does. Some people really care for gifts and others feel love and appreciation in other ways. Ask each other what gifts you have given them that have meant a lot or let the other person know what kind of gift you would enjoy receiving in the near future.

Post-partum

è Scene 17: Jenny is home with two young children. John tells her the baby is colicky and will grow out of it.  Life in this stage of parenting/relationships is so strenuous on everyone. What can he do to ease the burden on her and what can she do to help him see the highlights of this stage of life?

Forgiveness

è Scene 22:  Jenny has had it with Marley. After arguing about the dog—getting rid of him—Jenny apologizes to John. She expresses that she is having a tough time with everything that is going on, but they are grateful for their family. Take time to cool off after a fight but be sure to come together to discuss the issues, humbly. Don’t avoid the uncomfortable topics. When is a good time to discuss “hot topics”?

Expressions of Love

è Scene 13: John is spraying through Marley’s poop to find the necklace, he is showing his love for his wife. In what ‘not so fun’ ways can you go the extra mile to express your love for your spouse? Would you do something gross like this or say “sayonara’ to the necklace and get her something else?

è Scene 23-25: John is offered a job in Philadelphia. He is having a hard time with everything being “stagnant”. Jenny tells him that he can take the job or any job anywhere. She will follow him. What would you say if your spouse wanted to take a big leap that would affect the entire family?  John and Jenny put the wellbeing of each other and their family over selfish desires many times in this movie. When we do this does it strengthen us and our spouse and the relationship? How can you hold firm to your own opinions or feelings when they are contrary to what your spouse wants? What are ways of compromising? What do you think about what Jenny said, “Our life is wherever we are, that’s it” ?

è Scene 28: Jenny calls John at work about Marley being sick. We hear this phone call and then see John pull in, assuming he came right home. Marley is a source of mutual love for them, but what if John were really busy at work? How would you respond in a situation like this? Are pets important in your marriage? What do you think of the statement, “ If it’s important to you, it’s important to me”?

There is a lot of vulnerability in marriage, which gives us an opportunity to be more emotionally and thus physically connected. Are there ways in which you are holding back from fully expressing yourself with each other?